I Am Not Dainty

 Photo: Emma Wilson

Photo: Emma Wilson

A new movement is taking shape in my life. It keeps cropping up in conversation, and in thought. It is starting to confuse me, intrigue me, and drive me freakin' crazy.

Who am I? More specifically, who did God create me to be, and where did that creation get lost?

Do you ever ask yourself that question? I realize I am introspective to a fault, and probably spend way too much time in my own head, but I also think this question of identity is one every human has or will struggle with, if they are willing to do so. My friend Tim has this theory that the qualities God put within us as our greatest strengths are the things Satan attacks the hardest. Which can mean the things I hate most about myself, the things I most want to change, are the very things that could be my greatest weapon and gift for the Kingdom.

It's pretty mind-blowing to think about.

And here's why I think there is some truth to it: Yesterday morning, I had a brand meeting for the blog (see how I slipped that info in there? More on that soon) with my friend Callie, who instructed me to create two mood boards on Pinterest so she could get an idea of what my brand should be. I ended up putting together two very different boards. One, labeled "dreamy", was monochromatic, delicate, dainty and light. The other I called "boho", and it was blazing with color, very adventurous and earthy and loud. Truth be told, I was leaning toward the first one. When I showed it to Callie, she liked it just fine, and even cooed over some of the pictures I used. But when I showed her the boho board, she said "Oh, Rachel, this one is you."

I felt a little let down when she said it. Because I knew it to be true, but I didn't want it to be. I didn't say anything out loud, but I chewed over my reaction for the rest of the day. It would seem that I am trying to change something about myself. The bold, brassy, bright part of me. I would rather be labeled as the dainty, delicate minimalist. Why?

I"m asking the question very genuinely. I don't know why yet. But I think it's about time to find out. I think it will unlock some big stuff. Tim agreed with me. When I told him about the boards, and about how I don't want to be the loud, bright, emotional, bold version of myself, he asked why. "None of those things seem bad to me, Rachel," he said. "Why do you think they are?"

I don't know. I don't know, but I'm ready to start digging.