When I do chores, I listen to The Sound of Music. Well, actually I listen to a Broadway Pandora station, but The Sound of Music cycles through a lot. Which I don't mind at all. Nothing like Julie Andrews singing wildly about confidence to get you through a sink full of dishes or a pile of laundry.
That song, "I Have Confidence," is quickly becoming my battle cry.
What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?
Truer. Words. Have. Never. Been. Spoken. Quite suddenly, and not by choice, I am facing the reality that everything I know could change at any moment. I am asking the question, What will this day be like? very earnestly because I do not know the answer. It's all up in the air like juggling balls at a circus. I'm scared out of my mind, but not (weirdly enough) because I fear my circumstances. Have you ever seen God make a move so big, there was no doubt He was gearing up for something bigger? That's what I'm scared of. I'm scared because I know He's about to ask for my whole self, and I know I'm going say yes.
I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared?
Jesus knows the desires of our hearts better than we ever will. No part of you is hidden from Him. Even your deepest secrets, the ones you've never said out loud, He knows. And I don't just mean the bad secrets. I mean your secret dreams. The things you think you can't possibly attain because they're too wild. He knows those. In fact, He probably put them there. So why is it that when we sense the adventure coming, we panic? I'm asking the question of myself right now. I feel like my toes are on the edge of the cliff, so close I'm knocking little pebbles off the side, and it's almost time to jump. And my heart is pounding.
Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack
I was given the gentle reminder recently that God has promised to go before us and behind us, as our front and rear guard. But He can't protect the front end if we run ahead of Him. We have to move with Him. Step by step, day by day. Bolstered by the courage that comes from the bone-deep knowledge we are safe within the protection of our Savior. No matter what. Doubt and worry vanish like fog in light of God's promise to protect us.
With each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me
Everything won't just be fine. It will be beyond whatever I could ask or imagine. That is the truest truth I know. If I've learned anything in the last year and a half, it is that God aches to give me every good thing He has stored up with my name on it. But He can only give it when I agree to come further up and further in. The vastness of the Lord's goodness is waiting to be explored the minute I say, "Lead me."
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me
Confidence doesn't come from wealth, circumstance, or power. Confidence (the good kind of confidence that will last until eternity) is found only in that space between the front and rear guard. When you know you're walking in step with Papa, there is only confident peace. Because to walk with Him means to know Him. And to know Him is the rest in this truth: He loves you wildly, He cares deeply for you and He is unchangingly good.
So maybe in order to get through this season of gigantic unknowns, I'm going to have to sing along with Julie:
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!
Not confidence in myself, though, but confidence rooted in my Jesus, who will never, ever fail.